Where are your arms?
Where are your lips?
Not around me
Nor pressed against mine

Where are your hands?
Not grasping mine tight

Where is your heart?
Where is my light?
Why have you left me in the darkness alone?

not one more night alone

i can stand not one more night alone
not one more dream with no one by my side
not one more morning in a place that isn't home
in a world that isn't right
in a life that i don't want
smiling smiles until I find them true
hiding all my favorite things so i don't think of you

ARV's, Research, Lypo, and Facial Wasting

Anti-RetroViral Medications, and of course their side-effects
Facial Wasting

Just these alone, looking into whether or not it's recommended that those with HIV not take melatonin, because on the bottle it says, "if you are under medical supervision, or have an autoimmune disease, diabetes......consult your physician before taking this product."

So I start researching melatonin and hiv. Then I expand to specifically my drug cocktail and melatonin, scouring for any possible warning signs that I shouldn't take it. Of course, as it turns out, melatonin is AMAZING for your body, for everybody, for every body. (get it?)

Lypoatrophy is a condition/side effect that happens commonly to hiv+ people. Lypoatrophy is a specific form of lypodystrophy. Lypodystrophy is when you have abnormal changes in body fat. This could mean extra fat deposits in places that make no sense, in strange shapes, around your organs, etc. The "-atrophy" part is when you just lose your body fat where you should have it. So what we're learning is that at any point, if not already, my body could begin drastically changing shape.

Facial Wasting? Well that's when your face essentially just wastes away. It's pretty much what it sounds like. People look haggard and tend to prematurely age when they have hiv. This is still being studied as to why, but they know it happens frequently.

So here I am, on top of feeling like I can't help the side effects of the medicines because I'm afraid to take anything that hasn't been prescribed by my HIV doctors, now I get to worry about growing fatty tissue around major organs, tumors on my lungs and liver, random fat deposits all over my body, my facial features wasting away (along with my oh-so-self-beloved ass), and either a fat belly I can't get rid of without cosmetic surgery OR wasting away and looking sickly. Wow, I have a lot of confidence to face the next day now.

My lover, who isn't officially my lover anymore and is now over 700 miles away from me, is busy with friends tonight. I wouldn't bother him, and I wouldn't detract from his friend's happy evening, but I wish he could just talk to me right now. I wish he could hold me. Instead, it's been almost two months since I've seen him. I can't bare to even consider courting someone new. I miss him. I need him too. Tonight officially sucks for me. I always liked learning before, and the internet was my faithful friend for continuously feeding my incessant curiosity. Now, the more I learn, the more I wish I didn't know because what I'm learning about tends to be things I can't do anything about anyway, except wait for them to potentially (likely) happen, and if they do, watch.

Sometimes, it's by the hour

Sometimes you have a week that you have to take one day at a time, and sometimes, it's hour by hour. Still awake past two in the morning. Granted, no reason to need to be up early tomorrow, or at all tomorrow, to be perfectly honest, but this apartment is not a place of comfort anymore. This bed is not a place of rest. It has become a place to fall apart, to be angry, to be frustrated, but not to be at peace. I need some place that I feel safe, wanted, and loved. I need some place that I can rest, truly rest, peacefully. I'm tired, but i can't do it. I can't go to bed. Every time I lie down in that bed, I get all emotional from going over everything that has happened to me recently, the things that have been either on my mind or pushed out of my mind, rush my brain, and I become a mess, usually emotionally exhausted. I don't want sleep that I get from not being able to physically stand being conscious anymore. I want restful sleep, peaceful sleep, comfortable sleep. This is a tough time in my life. I wish something would go really right all of a sudden to help balance this whole mess out. The scales are tipped too far in one direction.

Just learned something life-shattering today

Test results back. I am now confirmed as a walking disease. There are so many terrible people who should have this, and it happens, instead, to me. This is going to be an awful road ahead of me, and I mean the road that is my life from here on out, however long it lasts.

Some "secrets"

I watched Sailor Moon as I child. And if given the chance I'm completely confident I'd watch it again. I loved that show.

I'm afraid that I'll never love somebody again like I loved my ex of two and a half years ago, even though I know he didn't love me back.

I feel like the pace that my life requires me to move at is a run. And when I start running, so I can be successful in my field, school, and career, I keep realizing that nobody else is running with me. I realize I'm leaving people behind, and that the only thing that I can become now is ever-more alone. I'd rather sit down on the ground or walk backwards. I love what I do, but what good is pursuing your dreams and passions and interested if it only leaves you nobody to share the joy of your arrival with in the end?

I want to change the world. Not just a few peoples' worlds. The world. I have a million ideas how, but not any clue where my next step from right now will be, and so I feel paralyzed.

I know that whoever I wind up with will love me for who I am, and would be able to handle all of the crazy and weird things I post on my LJ, but I'm so afraid of winding up alone that I don't think I'll ever show him for fear that he won't be ready, will be scared, and will leave...if i ever find him to begin with...

I really believe that the world's cynicism is so great that nobody believes in love anymore. And the loss is so great and the evidence is so rare now that nobody knows how to even if they believe it even can happen, much less will. And this is part of why I fear a life alone.

I continuously meet and date guys who are extremely attractive without going and looking for this. First of all, this confuses me because I'm not that attractive. Second, I'm afraid to date them because I fear I will get attached to them and then they realize they can be with somebody so much better looking and will leave me.

I feel more unwanted every day.

I feel that I am so strange and hard to understand, that nobody ever will care enough to try except for my few close friends who already know me better than anyone else.

I feel that wherever I go except where I grew up everybody will think I'm crazy, but where I'm from it's reality. Here I'm weird. There I'm normal.

I'm afraid that nobody else will ever love me for my quirks, and will just spend years trying to look past them.

I think cynicism about romance and relationships is destroying the opportunity for love to happen. And with this also, the desire for it is dying. And soon, if nothing changes, we will be a completely sexual society without the faintest idea of intimacy.

I kind of just want to marry a guy who makes lots of money and spend my days raising a family and having a good and happy home. That's so crucial. It's so important. I fear it won't be possible with my career field. I wish I could just stop singing and nobody say anything about it, leave it behind forever, use only my brain and not any of my artistic or creative talents ever again. Have everybody forget about them completely. I feel like my ability has become my responsibility and is preventing any opportunity to have the things that matter most to me: love, family, stability, etc. What are seen as my wings to fly me to places many people only dream of, are in turn my shackles. But rather than keeping me stuck in one place, they drag me along against my will. It isn't like a prison, it's like the Trail of Tears.

right now

i don't need words right now. i need arms to hold me, that i can just get lost in

to wrap myself up inside of and fall asleep as the finally found comfort of that embrace slowly eases the pain, helping me to begin to heal again

In pursuing one dream

In pursuing one dream, am I, or worse yet even, HAVE I, strangled the roots of another dream? Does one negate the other? Will my pursuit of my career destroy my chance at a family? Even if not a family, a spouse? I don't want to live my whole life without somebody to love and who loves me in return. I don't want to dream for forever only to wake from dreaming by my own death. I fear that nothing good will last, not even as long as a "short" relationship with any other two people. If my career could fill all the niches in my heart, I would let it. Music has always been faithful to me. It has always been there when I needed it, despite whatever I might specifically feel at the time.

ugh...i just feel terrible tonight.

i feel unwanted. i feel unloved. worst of all, i feel impossible to love. i feel ugly. i'm tired of hiding and avoiding how i feel with distractions, and i just don't want to feel anymore.

So fucking pissed

I'm so pissed that the guy I was seeing for the last month turned out to be just as much of a fucking idiot and tool as everybody else. I can't even begin to focus my thoughts enough to put them into comprehensible ranting right now. I'm that mad. He's suck a fucking dick! He's just........ugh I could just scream and rip his face off right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


I had a new song for karaoke that I was excited about singing tonight, the song "Break Me, Shake Me" by Savage Garden. Oddly enough, the person I thought about when I was at the apartment by myself earlier, rocking out and just really getting lost in the song, was two people. The first one I expected, as it was the most recent person I dated, Tony. BUT, and this is weird, the second was the guy I dated last summer, Greg B.

It was strange enough that I thought of him, but even stranger that tonight when I was waiting around for my second song, "Break Me, Shake Me" to come around in the rotation, I saw GREG B. This is strange because Greg B. moved to Los Angeles months ago. Turns out he's in town for a while...a good while actually. We started talking and catching up. It was like the first time we met all over again despite how everything had turned out the last time we tried to date. We then proceeded to chat and flirt and catch up all night until my group and I had to leave, but not until a few things had happened:

1. I brought up what happened last time.
-He said he was terrible to me and he couldn't believe I was talking to him again and is sorry.
2. He asked for my number again.
-of course i gave it to him
3. He had ample opportunities to kiss me, but restrained himself. He finally kissed me on the cheek but he held me a lot.
-He said he wanted to behave with me, and to do things right this time.
4. We caught up on what we've both been up to since last we saw each other.
-He looks great, as before, and said that I look really great too. That was nice! :D
5. We have a dinner date, a real DATE, on Monday.

This is so weird, but I feel like the fact that a guy has actually come back around and seen what he did to me and apologized and is actually showing that he wants to be different than he was before MUST mean that I should give into my desire to spend time with him and let him have a second chance. Because, dear Lord, he actually wants one. I'm skeptical. I'm hesitant. I'm smarter than I was. But then again, I'm excited too, and nervous. Pray for me to see the right paths to follow, whether I like their look or not.